Monday, February 7, 2011

Cant I have it all please.....

....and a full heart? 

I wonder...........

 And what is all? everything and nothing maybe; )

I find myself fantasizing a bit these days as I work my crochet or draw in my circles, about work and play and homes and land and travel and more and more and more, till I remind myself again for the umpteeth time that having it all comes from somewhere bright inside me. Success surely must be measured by my happiness and the happiness of my daughter. Can I keep that as my measure of Peace then?
And that I think I want beyond that, it a mere reflection, of firstly my forgetfulness of the power of the present moment, and secondly a creative pursuit of the immensely broad imagination.
Instead of laying back into the ever open arms of desire unfulfilled, dreaming of things I want, places I want to be, people I want to see, extracting my very essence from the moment of being right now, I could be here now. I could take a chance that its unfolding beautifully and is good. And it is rich in doing so, rich with experience.
Full living seems to happen with a deeper sense of being in the now. Thats where all the energy is.
I think I am seeing what I am believing.

This nowness and new focus is becoming increasingly helpful with such things as crochet patterns and perhaps I could be ready to take on some flat pack furniture too, even after such terrible past defeats.

What always seemed a mystery to me, like how one sits through a pattern- rows of numbers and symbols to decipher and decode, now seems like an attractive pursuit. the old human preoccupation with order in the chaos I persume. A lot of joy too though, of gradual work that unfolds beautifully from your hands. The enormous satisfaction of completing something or even simply realizing you have learned something. To work through stitches and understand, to feel your hands turn over with yarn and hook, working in spirals and rows feels like I am doing what I should have always done. I Think of my fourth class teacher Mrs McKenna who taught me to crochet at nine years old, and how I took to it and couldn't put it down, and my grandmother who always had her hand to something, the tablecloths of my great grandmother who loved to crochet, knit and sew and read tea leaves with a black cat snuggled on her hip keeping her warm where arthiritis hurt her. Its all there, in here and out there, a cosmos, a web, a weave, an ancestry, a body of work and life. Some order in the chaos of what was. I will keep up my free form crochet but am harmonizing with good directions. I am also thinking to enjoy the mysterious in all its forms is a good plan.

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the Mysterious 
Albert Einstein

As I ponder being a full time Mom, an artist and crafter, a teacher maybe too, living in the smoky mountains of North Carolina or the foothills of the french Pyreenees, I wonder can I have it all, and decide to enjoy the wonder, now. And maybe having it all is loving what you have. Its quite beautiful here you know: ) and who knows what will come from now. xxx

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