the life that shapes me.........

.......

I have had some great conversations lately with my neighbor and some other kindly folks one might meet at school or roundabout. Lots of food for thought. I have read lots more blogs as I spread my wings a little wider into that world, and am inspired by it all. I am coming a little closer now to understanding what I write about and why I am here, still exploring though. A curious soul I am. And it gets "curiouser".

 I try not to wonder so much that I miss the point of feeling alive in a mystery but its in the very essence of my nature to question the days pass, and the way of things. 

After I dropped off Little M to school today, I hung out the washing along the line. The sun was just above it, twinkling over the edges of my tea towels. I felt a feeling for meditation. 

Looking round to the half moon, I was inspired enough to do it too!

After a summer of no routine and a flu to beat the band, as we would say in Ireland. I felt like my meditation practice had disappeared, gone off somewhere down the garden path. Luckily it was there I found it again, one still Thursday morning, under the fig tree, somewhere near the compost bin. I do seem to have some good ideas there...must be all that transformation; )

It was in my sitting still that I noticed how quiet it all was but for the birds, sunny too. Finally a reprieve from the wet winds.

It put me in good order, as it was sure to do. Even the very effort of it seems to bring about a little peace. And if Peace is what I am after, which I am most definitely partial to, then this is where I begin. 

To the woods then and a walk to the studio, with contemplation in mind. The sun had me melting into the trees. Deliquescing in the long shafts of golden light and scattering leaves, my worries and woes of these last few weeks drifted by.

 It being a year since I switched on this Elisheva Project, its also the week that I finally took the plunge and ventured to the big city with my paintings under arm( though a little uncomfortable, as some are quite large, I managed) to have prints made with the intention of selling and circulating my work. Its a huge step for me. Voices of doubt crawled and creeped and scared me all week, or weeks till I finally turned to speak with them!

The loudest have been my sense of value I put on my own work, and trying to make some kind of balance within me between the useful critic, that knows when something feels good or needs a bit more or less and the very irrational critic, that really doesn't like anything I do at all; ) but does gets very excited when I finish anything. Oh my fearful ego.

Its a trust issue, and one I have to work with.

It feels like such a different relationship with art, quite distant from the last, perhaps if this were a metaphorical globe I would be on the other side of art world. Its like day and night, from where I used to be. This time I feel I can make a mends. I may have come far enough along.

As I stood in the little white gallery out front from the printers in dublin, clean and white surrounded by framed work, new work, different work from mine, Oh so different. I took at look at myself on the inside and out. I wish I had a picture of meself there to illustrate.

My hands, big hands with very long fingers were shaking as I opened the package of my work, It was a little birth to bring them out, so new. A new way of working for me. Now I paint in a bright attic. I could say I have gone back to my roots, but I really would be speaking of the woody kind. So far back and deep down are those ones I don't remember where that began. But it feels so right, and that has been the truly guiding factor of this last year and my efforts to make art again. It kind of feels holy to me, and that little critic is enjoying some of it deep down, I know.

This art reflects who I am now.

Who is that then? 

Well, Tallish mother of one sparkling child, in green raincoat, brown hair, tweed skirt, unusual gray shirt with buttons sewn along the neck, a little make up, hair askew from the wind, and green shoes with mud all around the edges: )

And Inside .......A little tired because M has a cough that I have been listening to it for three nights, slight ringing in my ears from my flu thats not quite left me. And a heart healing with a kind of joy that seems to grow, finally. 

Also, Having completely fallen in love with a woodland in Clare, so much so its all I can do to paint about it and write, and talk about it!

I have lived here three years, and this environment has had such a deep impact on me, I am where I am, its become me, by osmosis, these rich woods and all they hold, this home and garden, my neighbors, this community full of happenings and workshops and festivals and people who choose to celebrate it all even if we are in the midst of very messy economy. 

This wonderful waldorf school and all the magic that offers and sense of occasion in life. The connectedness with the rhythms of the seasons that brings into my home, is a vital part of my way of living now and raising my daughter. 

The compassionate understanding of the different needs of each child, and the respect that emerges from that has taught me more about relating with people in the world then just about anything else I have come across. A day in the kindergarten, is a day spent with a whole spectrum of personality and emotion held peacefully and confidently by teachers who have a real pedagogy and vocation in their work. 

I had never thought how children as human beings that move and create, cannot be expected to spend half their childhoods sitting in a chair to learn. As the alphabet can come later, as most scandinavian and other european countries have chosen the age of six and seven to teach letters, waldorf schools hold on to that too, till a child appears ready to be in a formal class environment. As one Mom said to me, your child can be in education for a life time if they choose, but childhood doesn't last so long. When they are ready, they learn faster too! Can you tell I am enthusiastic about this.

I feel so touched by being Here, but I also know now that Here could be anywhere really, and was everywhere I have ever been. The difference being now I am open to it. I can be conscious or not of that, but it is something that has changed in me, my art could be about the seashore one day, that would be nice too, or the sun, don't get me started on sunshine. For now the forest is my love, I better tell Pj though I think he may have suspected all along; )

What shall I give back to the woods I wonder? And to this community?

Since coming to this village and growing into my motherhood, I have let go of parts of me that I don't need here and now, and I have gained others. Maybe its more like parts are resting whilst others are waking up. Just life really, and an intrigue about that, that I can't help but be eager about unfolding. Being present with it is everything. Its easier said then done, but a little goes a long way, and I can't tell you how hard it has been at times not to be aware of that, maybe sometime I can share that too. 

A couple of days ago, I met an american woman who is traveling here. We discovered quickly we were both EFT enthusiasts and spoke a little more about writing blogs, I told her about this post and then she recites quite brilliantly this poem. s She meant every word of it, and I had that lovely shiver down my spine!

Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

David Wagoner

I have come across such wonder..... HERE too, online that is. Such awe inspiring writers and life lovers traversing each others days across these maps of words and pictures. These windows into lives we get here, with such authenticity and heart at times that it takes my breath away. The creativity in motion abounds, the sharing of art's work and the trials and tribulations impels me on in my own quest and supports my dream. Could I ask much more of this space? It seems I can. Its never ending....

Thank you dear reader

And a special thanks to my new neighbor, who has brought such heart to my doorstep, kindness and evening conversations, maybe even a little of that 'urban' me that I had left behind, that likes reading newspapers and going to cafe's: )

xx E

Days to die for........

.......I was walking in the sunny forest this morning, meeting with the trees. They were meeting me too, and I was loving it.

I was walking in the city Yesterday, in Galway, where it was both sunny and windy, and seagulls flew above me, riding the wind, shimmering in the high sunlight of the mid morning as I crossed the bridge, loving Galway. 

I went to see my herbalist Dr. Dilis Claire as I have done every two or three months for the last...oh ......almost two years. 

We had fun as she listed my symptoms that I arrived with, all that time ago. 

As she read out each one... "how is this/ how is that? and any pain there??? ".... or, " what about this"....on she went along; I shook my head saying, "No, thats not there" or, "Oh yeah, I forgot I had that, and gosh yes I had that too". I was pretty well clear of everything. A little tired still, but thats about it. 

Its been a long road, I was feeling ill for years and then terribly sad too from being grief stricken, Its been a steady and determined combination of EFT, herbalism, and meditation, and I find myself....... well healthy. 

Should I whisper that? 

No, yesterday I wanted to shout it from the bridge up to the seagulls, so they could carry it out to sea and maybe to the other side. 

Today I told the trees!

They stretched out their arms to me as I passed, gently patting me on the back as I followed the path through, under the great old oaks and the cathedral-like line of beeches, and those strong hardy hazel. 

I feel so supported and free. I have been given a gift and each day I feel really well, is precious. 

All those herbs I have taken, I want to write a prayer to each one of them. To kiss the hawthorn for improving my circulation, and the rose, and the marigold too, and..... so many amazing, intelligent plants that came into my body, worked with my tiny cells in the most miraculous ways. 

They lifted me up to see all I needed to see, gave me the energy to revive enough that I could tap with EFT, and sit through my deeper and longer meditations. 

I could face the darkness then, and the grief that frightened me so. 

I am well, a body alive. 

These Fall days are so beautiful now. This is my favorite season!!!!!!!!!The one thats all about letting go, and carrying the light with you through the darker days. It is the perfect reflection of my greatest learnings these last few years, and now as I bask in the colors of Autumn and in the falling down of everything into the NOW, I value the experience of it even more.
In my improved health I breathe so deeply.

Today is the Michaelmass festival at school and although I am a mere novice at understanding the depth of meanings that Rudolph Steiner taught about these festivals, I do listen and read a bit about it all, and use my own intuition to see what it means for us. Today, its the story of Archangel Michael and the dragon that stand out for me and little M.

I read, in a second hand book store yesterday, about this. (Charlie Byrnes wonder emporium of books, bookstore to be exact: ) That Michael is the angel that guides us in our individual freedom, in finding our own healing path, he protects our journey into love and peace, to find our way in overcoming fears /fighting dragons.

Today little M came home with a red felted pouch she made in school and inside was a dragons tear she said.
They had a harvest feast at school, and we this evening had our own feast. It felt important today to mark it together, I needed to celebrate. We happend also to be sharing our supper with some lovely lassies too, and I was glad to be cooking for friends again.

I asked M and her little friend to pick some flowers for our table.

It became a floral mission beyond my expectations I can tell you. Look at what they did.

Magnificence ........it was a feast amongst Autumns final blooms and seeds of color, a last glimpse of summer.


Now I am almost finished Milla's package for the Bio regional swap. A wonderful idea, inspired and brought together by Mary Good, who writes Terralectualism. She has got a group of Blogging lovelies to send parcels to each other, of our bio regions. Sending a little of who we are, and where we are, and what we do. I have been given Milla to bestow my gifts upon, and cannot tell a word about what is going in there so as not to spoil the surprise, but I am deeply loving this idea, and so glad to be involved. I have always dreamed of a job where I make and find presents for people, I feel a little as if Mary has grated a wish: )
I have been doing a similar thing with a friend in Glasgow for the last few years, as an artist swap. Thats another post I shall get to.

The Studio was bliss today, sunlight pouring in and nothing the sounds of the chickens outside having dust baths under the trees, and the breeze on dry leaves. Yellow leaves are falling past the windows there and flying in across my floor when I open the door.

I have been learning some eurythmy as part of the research for my new project and today I felt I finally 'got' the essence of the movements that I have learned thus far........

 lalalalalalal I could go on all night it seems but I shall stop here with a Thank you dear reader

Be well this night

....Let the waves break
Let the stars rise
Lets the flames leap......

warmth

xx E

I smell like a Gypsy.....

....and its great, every little bit of me is smoked with wood fire.
I have not been camping on this drizzling, cold and windy day. But I have kept remarkably warm inside and out.
It was pizza day in Madeleine's kindergarten. Each Friday a parent volunteers to keep the fire going in the outdoor pizza oven whilst the wee ones go for their time in the woods. Today twas me.
Madeleine has been so excited. I have done it once before and each week she has asked me to do it again. Last sunday she hung a piece of paper over her bed, and every morning she had drawn a little green cross on it to count down the days to today. Her excitement has been a joy to share and a realization on my part on how important it is for her, and me, that I come to spend time there. It too, is a wonderful opportunity to share in the kindergarten and get a little birds eye view( or a little robin's eye view to be exact) of the unfolding of a morning in Madeleine's life there. I come away always wanting to be there more.

The oven is built cob style and sits in the baking house, an open wooden structure that has stood its test of winds and rains and held strong. On one side its filled with wood for burning, picked from forest paths or cut by and brought by children, staff and parents. On the walls, pieces of wood that have twisted and turned naturally in a way that is beautiful and been collected and brought by one or another over the years. Then there are benches set out for little ones and whoever comes to share the meal.
Its a kind building with ever open arms come wind, rain or shine and a warm hearth never cold for long.

When I arrived this morning, there was a silver pot in the the oven. When we pulled it out we found fleece was in it being dyed in Lichen and having sat in the warm embers of yesterday's fire. It had done its work and dyed to a yellow tone. One of the kindergarten assistants is a fiber artist, who makes natural dye. One particular day, she showed me a basket of her wooly treasures. What a richness of color, all wools dyed with plants from the woods, often collected with the children. It was a treasure basket indeed, and made me want to use nothing but natural pigment in my own work somehow. ( a thought not lost, and a goal for some point in the road)

I am so deeply contented to sit by any fire. This is a happy job for me. This one holds more than heat though, there is a little magic to be had there, and to witness too. Little children all between the ages of four and seven come and go from it like butterflies with helping hands or news to tell or little things to show that they have made in the wood. Great spirited expressions at each part of the lighting process and the choosing of the logs to burn next. And every now and then, another little warm hand slips into mine with a smile and a hello that would melt any heart.
Maddy was beside herself with excitement at my presence, and what seemed like utter satisfaction that she was to have me there all morning. Soon though she found her play and fluttered off with the rest of them.

Circle time comes then, where there is greetings and welcoming of the day by all the children and staff, lovely irish songs were sung, that jog my memory to my early school days, airs and old words of my mother tongue come floating back to me as I hum along.
All is quiet after circle. They have gone to the woods for their walk, another little adventure to be had.
This quiet time is when I hear the sparks, the crackle, the sounds of warmth and the smells of wood around me, in the wet from the rain and the sizzle in the fire. Quietude!
A little robin visits each pizza day, fat and wise with his choice of trees to build his nest. I have brought my crochet and worn my coat with big pockets, enough room for my ball of yarn to turn whilst I make my rounds and it pull through. I lean back with a big breath and work away.
I am making yet another hat, a pink one for Spring. I see Maddy's winter hat getting heavier and hotter in this weather, soon I think it will itch in the woods from sweat and heavy wool against her forehead. This one is in a lighter merino, its a beret shape, which seems more spring.

A little help with cleaning inside and then it rains gently and there is a change to the air and the sounds. I hear voices in the distance, they are on their way back. I think of the seven dwarves returning from the mines, but I am no snow white and these are butterflies are they not?,  newly popped from their silk cocoons. In all their colorful raincoats they return ready for pizza, with twig puppets and dragonflies made with sticks and fleece, rushes and lichen.
Madeleine all smiles and at my side ready for baking with her friends.

It all feels very peaceful. I would never have imagined before experiencing Waldorf education for young children, that being around so many little ones, could be so peaceful. But it is!  I know it comes with this immense reverence too. There is a constant sense that each child is considered and cared for and such an aura of natural respect for each other which is also being constantly nurtured by the staff. There is of course a great method to this and a great deal of understanding, experience and theory that creates this space where children get to be children, to play and be entirely themselves without pressure but for an expectation of goodness amongst themselves. And through their day they are all learning all they need to learn through imitation of each other, and the staff through song and rhyme, through play and climbing and walking, communicating and really being allowed to just be in a natural state of being.
I felt like I had just come from a retreat today of at least three days of silent meditation and a large slice of mindfulness. Here I was again with all these wise folks all present and bright, with more wisdom then all their years put together. Their ability to be present and happy with each simple thing. For a while at least, no rushing about, no car seats to strap into, no shopping or banking or Mommy making phone calls or planning something or other. Just a garden by the woods, sitting, eating pizza in the rain with a great band of friends, and being very glad about it.
That sounds like a Haiku: )

xx As always Thank you dear reader